Hi all,
Sorry I havnt been back here for a while. Ive been quite unwell. You see the sad news is that we lost our little 'suprise' on Monday 2nd July 2012.
I have been on a weird and strange roller coaster of emotions since then.
Let me explain our story...
Sunday1st June, I wasnt feeling the greatest. I had a headache that had been nagging all day. I was feeling sick, tired, achy and just unwell. I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and being away and in the car for too long.
Sunday night around 10pm, i went to the toilet and there I saw the most undesirable thing a pregnant woman could see while pregnant...Blood!
I wiped again thinking it may just be a small amout but no...there was more, alot more. :(
As it was school holidays my kids were still awake. Trying to hold back the tears I called my husband into our bedroom. As soon as the door was shut I burst into tears. He asked what was wrong and I told him.
He tried to comfort me saying things like "it might stop" "cant that happen in pregnancy?" "It'll be ok"
Just like my firt miscarraige...I just knew. A woman has a strange way of 'just knowing' when we're pregnant and we also have a way when its slipping away. I sat in bed and cried...no, sobbed uncontrollably.
My kids were wondering what was happening but my husband just said it ok and put them to bed.
I took some panadole and my husband told me to get some sleep and we'll see how we are in the morning.
SLEEP?
Was he kidding? I tossed and turned all night, my baby was in my thoughts the whole time and each time i fully woke I teared up.
The next morning I woke at 7am. I went to the toilet and yep...sure enough lots more heavy bleeding...this time accompanied with lots of pain,
My husband wonderfully organised the day off work, dropped the kids at a friends place and drove me to the hospital.
By this stage the pain was getting alot worse. I had a heat bag for the pain.
When we arrived at the hospital they took me straight in. Took my details and bloodpressure. That was all over the place. I felt dizzy and sad.
Once they got me into a bed they took blood test and they needed and they needed a urine sample.
I was ushered down to the toilets with plastic specimen bottle in hand.
As I peeed, I felt a strange sensation.
I looked down and saw a blood clot, then again another much bigger clot right after. Perfectly round bubble like.
Right there, staring at me in the hospital toilet was what I believed to be...my baby...my child...my love!
Weirdly for a moment I was thinking of fishing it out...yep. Discusting, but at times like this you do think very bizzare things...but then I thought..'ugh, it a public hospital toilet...who knows what I could catch'
I stood there staring at it for while, crying.
I hesitated to flush the toilet but I had to. When I did, this terrifying thought went through my head..."UGH, I JUST FLUSHED MY BABY DOWN THE TOILET" I started sobbing again.
Anyway, I cleaned up and pulled myself together.
I walked out of the toilet and handed to specimen jar to the nurse. She said to me "are you ok?" I starting to tell her what happened in the toilet but started crying again, I couldnt get it out. I finally did. He rubbed my shoulder and told me to lie down and rest. I hugged my husband and just cried and cried.
I was taken for an ultra sound and was told "there was no visable matter left" {Nice way to talk about my baby, huh?}
After being in the hospital for a few hours my blood test came back too, and said that the pregnancy hormone is still there but dropped dramaticaly since my last blood test (the ones I had the week earlier that appeared to be perfectly fine).
They sent me on my way home and told me that i must have had a complete miscarraige. I was told to just go home and rest.
Which I did.
I layed in bed and slept till dinner time. When i woke my husband came home with the kids.
We told the kids and they were devistated.
Mis mimi just broke down and cried her little heart out, and Little T just went deathly silent. With a few tears rolling down his cheek.
My babies broke my heart as I know exactly how they feel.
I had no answers, no reasons just cuddles and lots of love.
We got pizza for dinner that night, rented out 'toothfairy 2' and chilled out.
We had a lazy, chilled out night, Bedtimes didnt count, nutrition went out the window. It was all about comfort and healing. Which as a family we are still trying to do.
We planted a beautiful gardenia tree at our front door in rememberance of our little poppy seed. (nicknamed as we imagined the tiny size of a poppy seed as the size of the baby...even though it was actually about small fingernail size) Placed at the front door so we can see it everyday.
3 and a half weeks later...this is where Im at.
I thought I was going ok. I rested for a few days and got back into life. I was going to the gym, shopping...going about as normal. As though nothing happend.
Im due to get my next period tomorrow and I feel so yuck.
Im so hormonal, cranky, tired, and emotional.
Im angry, sad and fragile.
I have constant headaches and my body hurts.
Im tired and just want to sleep.
I want to hide.
I feel as though Ive had a slight delayed reaction with the whole ordeal. Yesterday i thought alot about my baby. It realy actually sunk in what happened.
I have put on loads of weight, got pimples and look anemic.
im constipated. I feel nauseas 24/7.
Im going to get another check up with my doctor and see a natropath again. I just feel unwell.
Overall, it just sucks!
I know I will be ok. I know life goes on and things will ease. But for now Im just taking life slow. Being with my family and keeping warm.
Sorry I havnt been back here for a while. Ive been quite unwell. You see the sad news is that we lost our little 'suprise' on Monday 2nd July 2012.
I have been on a weird and strange roller coaster of emotions since then.
Let me explain our story...
Sunday1st June, I wasnt feeling the greatest. I had a headache that had been nagging all day. I was feeling sick, tired, achy and just unwell. I put it all down to pregnancy hormones and being away and in the car for too long.
Sunday night around 10pm, i went to the toilet and there I saw the most undesirable thing a pregnant woman could see while pregnant...Blood!
I wiped again thinking it may just be a small amout but no...there was more, alot more. :(
As it was school holidays my kids were still awake. Trying to hold back the tears I called my husband into our bedroom. As soon as the door was shut I burst into tears. He asked what was wrong and I told him.
He tried to comfort me saying things like "it might stop" "cant that happen in pregnancy?" "It'll be ok"
Just like my firt miscarraige...I just knew. A woman has a strange way of 'just knowing' when we're pregnant and we also have a way when its slipping away. I sat in bed and cried...no, sobbed uncontrollably.
My kids were wondering what was happening but my husband just said it ok and put them to bed.
I took some panadole and my husband told me to get some sleep and we'll see how we are in the morning.
SLEEP?
Was he kidding? I tossed and turned all night, my baby was in my thoughts the whole time and each time i fully woke I teared up.
The next morning I woke at 7am. I went to the toilet and yep...sure enough lots more heavy bleeding...this time accompanied with lots of pain,
My husband wonderfully organised the day off work, dropped the kids at a friends place and drove me to the hospital.
By this stage the pain was getting alot worse. I had a heat bag for the pain.
When we arrived at the hospital they took me straight in. Took my details and bloodpressure. That was all over the place. I felt dizzy and sad.
Once they got me into a bed they took blood test and they needed and they needed a urine sample.
I was ushered down to the toilets with plastic specimen bottle in hand.
As I peeed, I felt a strange sensation.
I looked down and saw a blood clot, then again another much bigger clot right after. Perfectly round bubble like.
Right there, staring at me in the hospital toilet was what I believed to be...my baby...my child...my love!
Weirdly for a moment I was thinking of fishing it out...yep. Discusting, but at times like this you do think very bizzare things...but then I thought..'ugh, it a public hospital toilet...who knows what I could catch'
I stood there staring at it for while, crying.
I hesitated to flush the toilet but I had to. When I did, this terrifying thought went through my head..."UGH, I JUST FLUSHED MY BABY DOWN THE TOILET" I started sobbing again.
Anyway, I cleaned up and pulled myself together.
I walked out of the toilet and handed to specimen jar to the nurse. She said to me "are you ok?" I starting to tell her what happened in the toilet but started crying again, I couldnt get it out. I finally did. He rubbed my shoulder and told me to lie down and rest. I hugged my husband and just cried and cried.
I was taken for an ultra sound and was told "there was no visable matter left" {Nice way to talk about my baby, huh?}
After being in the hospital for a few hours my blood test came back too, and said that the pregnancy hormone is still there but dropped dramaticaly since my last blood test (the ones I had the week earlier that appeared to be perfectly fine).
They sent me on my way home and told me that i must have had a complete miscarraige. I was told to just go home and rest.
Which I did.
I layed in bed and slept till dinner time. When i woke my husband came home with the kids.
We told the kids and they were devistated.
Mis mimi just broke down and cried her little heart out, and Little T just went deathly silent. With a few tears rolling down his cheek.
My babies broke my heart as I know exactly how they feel.
I had no answers, no reasons just cuddles and lots of love.
We got pizza for dinner that night, rented out 'toothfairy 2' and chilled out.
We had a lazy, chilled out night, Bedtimes didnt count, nutrition went out the window. It was all about comfort and healing. Which as a family we are still trying to do.
We planted a beautiful gardenia tree at our front door in rememberance of our little poppy seed. (nicknamed as we imagined the tiny size of a poppy seed as the size of the baby...even though it was actually about small fingernail size) Placed at the front door so we can see it everyday.
3 and a half weeks later...this is where Im at.
I thought I was going ok. I rested for a few days and got back into life. I was going to the gym, shopping...going about as normal. As though nothing happend.
Im due to get my next period tomorrow and I feel so yuck.
Im so hormonal, cranky, tired, and emotional.
Im angry, sad and fragile.
I have constant headaches and my body hurts.
Im tired and just want to sleep.
I want to hide.
I feel as though Ive had a slight delayed reaction with the whole ordeal. Yesterday i thought alot about my baby. It realy actually sunk in what happened.
I have put on loads of weight, got pimples and look anemic.
im constipated. I feel nauseas 24/7.
Im going to get another check up with my doctor and see a natropath again. I just feel unwell.
Overall, it just sucks!
I know I will be ok. I know life goes on and things will ease. But for now Im just taking life slow. Being with my family and keeping warm.
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